Hello Spring Break! Destin was the destination this year. These have to be some of the prettiest beaches in the world.
Lots of oysters, dinners out, frozen yogurt (Yogurt Mountain), video games, feeding seagulls, sand castles, jumping in the (frigid) ocean, swimming in the pool and general relaxation. The kids and I went with my parents the first half (joined by Paul, Paul Jr. and Great Grandma) of the week and Scott and Jay/Angie/Trey/Derek joi
About a week later it was Easter time.
Our sweet neighbor graciously hosted the egg dying party. We had a touching Easter program at church, where the kids sang a song about the atonement, resurrection, and life of Christ. They were also excited to get to participate in 2 Easter Egg hunts (one at church and one in the neighborhood).
As for kid news, Tay is fun as usual. So much enthusiasm! We just received her end of the year written Pre-K conference summary. Here are some of the funny lines:
“I can always count on her to tell other students what they should be doing.”
“She has a profound fascination with our class pet, Dash”
“She talks about her iPad at home and how she loves to play games on it”
“Her favorite thing is freeze dance Friday. I think she knows the entire soundtrack to the movie ‘Frozen.’”
“She is very aware of how smart she is”
Oh Tay, what are we going to do with you girl? :-)
Jackson had some new developments this month. He played in the National K-9 tournament held here in Atlanta. He never played anyone younger than age 10. He went 3 and 2. It was good learning (and at times character building) experience!
Also academically, over the course of the year he has been given additional math testing, and finally (the process seriously took way too long), it was determined that he should be going to 2nd grade math each day.
So each day for an entire hour he and his best buddy Hamiltion leave Mrs. Nickerson’s 1st grade class and walk up the hall to Mrs. Vada’s 2nd grade class. This should continue the remainder of elementary career. Glad we got this taken care of before the new baby, because like I said, it was the process of all processes. Infact, it was so inefficient, I’m petitioning that BCG take on Georgia’s public school system as their pro bono case this year!!
When Jackson and Hamilton are not doing math or watching the Braves, they are playing baseball. Their team (Blue Wahoos) are currently ranked 2nd going into the playoffs. We are hoping for an upset!
Grant is such a snu
And Scott is on the beach (in between cases)! So I’m back to loving BCG and wondering why I ever complained about it :-). I know it won’t last long so I am trying to savor having him home, watching him surprise the kids at school for lunch, helping carpool to different practices/games, and just having him around!
Pregnant Mama’s doing well too! I am currently 24 weeks. I don’t think I look quite as large as the picture beneath portrays, but maybe I’m in denial??
I got a new calling at church—Shepherding Chair. So basically my committee and I are in charge of helping all the women in the ward feel loved, looked after, and strengthened. It’s one of those calling you can do as much or as little as you’d like. However, I am trying (at least at this point since I’m not burnt out yet), to spend 2 hours a week on email/calling/delegating support. And then 2 hours either visiting a sister or having them over to dinner etc. It feels good to serve in this way!
Every April (and October), our church leaders address all the members worldwide (General Conference). Here are some of my favorite quotes:
“We are a temple building, and temple attending people.” Thomas S. Monson
“Defend your beliefs with courtesy and compassion.. but defend them!” Jeffrey R. Holland
“His ministry always consisted of blessing people 1 by 1” Carlos H Amandos
“The only things that REALLY needs to be accomplished in the home are daily scripture study and daily prayer and weekly family home evening. “ Linda S. Reeves
“Faith is the antidote of fear” Russel M. Nelson
“Who we are is not who we can become” Donald L. Hallstrom
“The Lord does not expect us to be less grateful in times of trial.” Dieter F. Uchdorf
“Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient will remember them for a life time.” Thomas S. Monson
Love, TFK
p.s. Happy 59th Mom!
p.s.s.
For those interested, I attached the talk I gave in church. This blog acts as a family journal, so I’d like to keep it in the records. Scott spoke also, and I would attach his talk too; however, he like the other Douglases, have a gift of being able to scratch down a few notes on a piece of paper an hour before they have to give a talk—and deliver a powerful and touching message. It’s unbelievable! So in short, there is nothing to attach for Scott. But it was awesome!
Good Morning, as I was sitting there I was thinking, that these have to be the least coveted seats in the whole chapel—every moment getting closer to your turn to speak. But I know we all have to take our turn, and I’m excited to see a few of our friends from outside the church here today.
As a quick recap to our family, Scott and I both grew up in Georgia, went to highschool together then left for separate colleges. I joined the church at 22, almost 10 years ago, and we got sealed here in the Atlanta temple almost 9 years ago. We’ve lived in Utah, Chicago, SanDiego, and finally moved back home, here to Atlanta, 3 years ago. We have 2 sons, and 1 daughter who recently secured her spot as princess, because we just found out another boy is on the way! We unknowingly named all our children after Presidents: Jackson is 7, Taylor our little girl is 5, and Grant is 2. So if we stick to the Presidential name theme, we’ll probably be deciding between Pierce, Taft, Tyler or Carter. Please feel free to vote or make additional suggestions.
I was asked to speak on “Strengthening the Home.” Like most topics, I felt like there were 100 different ways I could structure this talk, but couldn’t quite figure it out. Then Scott suggested, “Why don’t you pretend someone you care about, came to you and asked, How can I build a strong family? What advice would you give him or her?”
A great idea, and I immediately thought of my younger brother Jeff, who is 27, unmarried, and yet to start a family. Fortunately Jeff is here today so he can hear this advice first hand. J This actually feels very familiar because poor Jeff has been receiving unsolicited advice from me his entire life.
Since I wouldn’t want to overwhelm Jeff, I think I’d start with just 3 areas of advice. The first is choosing the right spouse. I hesitated to include this, because I know it doesn’t pertain to a lot of us directly, but then I thought surely we’ll all have a loved one at some point whether it’s a child, grandchild, family member, or friend who will need or want guidance during this important decision making process.
President Hinkley said the person you marry“will be the most important decision of your life.” Amen, amen, amen.
I often ponder on the fact that a majority of us make this “most important decision of our lives” at such a young age.
I am thankful that there is much counsel given by our prophets and apostles that can aid us in making this decision.
To paraphrase Elder Richard G. Scott, he advises us to seek a companion who is DEVELOPING these following attributes:
1. A deep love of the Lord and his commandments, with a determination to live them
2. Someone that is kindly understanding, forgiving of others, and willing to give of self
3. And someone who has the desire to have children and raise them to the Lord.
So during our Senior year of highschool, in our religion class we had to keep a journal all year. And for a whole unit we studied and journaled on marriage. I was able to go back and find this journal and reading it was so funny and interesting. One page was titled “Must Haves in a Husband” where I proceeded to list things like: kind, honest, patient, committed to the relationship, slow to anger, hard worker, clean, a love for children, a love for Heavenly Father, and someone who will be a good provider.
I remember coming to a realization while writing this journal entry, that in order to marry someone who possessed these character traits, I needed to be developing these same characteristics in myself.
What I didn’t realize 15 years ago, was that I was describing almost every Mormon guy I have ever met….
And just for fun, the next page was titled “Nice to have in a Husband,” where I wrote things like: an early riser, no allergies, funny, tough, smart, athletic, and handsome (even though handsome wasn’t the exact adjective I used). Looking back little did I know I was describing Scott J
Finally, we received one warning from this highschool marriage class that always stuck with me and it was “If you’re dumb enough to date him, you are dumb enough to marry him.”
Time and time again throughout college and graduate school I would be dating someone, and I would say to myself “Would I want to marry this guy?” If no, then why am I dating him.
Spencer W. Kimball said: “In selecting a companion for life and for eternity, certainly the most careful planning and thinking and praying and fasting should be done to be sure that of all the decisions, this one must not be wrong.
Now does this plan guarantee a successful marriage? No. People have agency and can make their own choices. But it lays the right foundation.
OK Jeff, now that you have found the perfect spouse, it is time to create the perfect marriage.
One of the best ways to strengthen the home, is to CREATE A GOSPEL CENTERED MARRIAGE. Meaning, as individuals and couples we need to continually strive to become more like our Savior in character and in deed.
Elder C. Richard Chidester said: In order to have peace and harmony in our marriage, we must first have peace and harmony within ourselves. Such peace comes when we are doing what we know to be right and by following the still small voice of the Spirit" We need to invite the Spirit of the Lord into our marriages. To do this, couples should pray together, fast together, study the scriptures together, and attend the temple together.
I wanted highlight prayer out of that list.
When I started spending more time at Scott’s house, one of the first things I noticed, was how often his parents prayed. They prayed in the morning, at night, at meals, before road trips, individually, and sometimes the whole family was called together to kneel in the living room to offer an urgent time-sensitive prayer. And I would find myself looking around to see if anyone else thought it was odd that we were praying yet again. Nobody did. I could tell his parents were genuinely expressing gratitude to the Lord and seeking His guidance. And I could also tell this practice brought a real level of peace and happiness into the home.
Regarding prayer President Gordon B. Hinkley teaches: “I know of no single practice that will have a more beneficial effect upon your marriage than the practice of kneeling together as you begin and close each day. Somehow the little storms that seem to afflict every marriage are dissipated when, kneeling before the Lord, you thank him for one another, in the presence of one another, and then together invoke his blessings upon your lives, your home, your loved ones, and your dreams.
Every gospel principle, such as love, sacrifice, charity can and should be applied in marriage. However, I thought I’d emphasize kindness, especially kindness in our communication for my last point under marriage.
I polled a few men and women from this audience and asked them what they like to hear from their spouses.
Men said they craved hearing: that you, his wife is happy, and happy because of him, they want us to express gratitude, give compliments, and help them to feel capable, competent, unique, valuable, and important
Us women like to hear that we’re beautiful, that we’re good mothers, that we’re irreplaceable, that you are proud to be with us, that you value our opinion and again that we’re beautiful J
Elder James E. Faust counseled: “In the enriching of marriage the big things are the little things. It is a constant appreciation for each other and a thoughtful demonstration of gratitude. It is the encouraging and the helping of each other to grow. Daily compliments, thoughtful words, and praise go a long way to strengthen a marriage.
On the flip side, harmful communication, such as sharpness or criticism has the opposite effect.
President Hinkley warned specifically about critism in marriage, he said: I recall listening at length to a couple who sat across the desk from me. There was bitterness between them. I know that at one time their love was deep and true. But each had developed a habit of speaking of the faults of the other. Unwilling to forgive the kind of mistakes we all make, and unwilling to forget them and live above them with forbearance, they had carped at one another until the love they once knew had been smothered. I am satisfied that had there been even a small measure of repentance and forgiveness, they would still be together, enjoying the companionship that had so richly blessed their earlier years”
I hope that we can give our spouses the benefit of the doubt, and that our communication will be marked with appreciation, gentleness, and kindness.
Now Jeff we have focused on spouse selection and creating a gospel-centered marriage, lastly let’s turn to parenting. There are many ways we can strengthen the home through parenting—I was inspired to focus on these 3.
The first is PATIENCE.
Elder F. Enzio Busche of the Seventy told this story:
“One day when circumstances made it necessary for me to be at home at an unusual time, I witnessed from another room how our eleven-year-old son, just returning from school, was directing ugly words towards his younger sister. They were words that offended me—words that I had never thought our son would use. My first natural reaction in my anger was to get up and go after him. Fortunately, I had to walk across the room and open a door before I could reach him, and I remember in those few seconds I fervently prayed to my Heavenly Father to help me to handle the situation. Peace came over me. I was no longer angry.
“Our son, being shocked to see me home, was filled with fear when I approached him. To my surprise I heard myself saying, ‘Welcome home, son!’ and I extended my arm as a greeting. And then I invited him to sit with me in the living room to visit. I heard myself expressing my love for him. I talked with him about the battle that every one of us has to fight each day within ourselves.
“As I expressed my confidence in him, he broke into tears, confessing his unworthiness and condemning himself beyond measure. Now it was my role to put his transgression in the proper perspective and to comfort him. A wonderful spirit came over us, and we ended up crying together, hugging each other in love and finally in joy. What could have been a disastrous confrontation between father and son became, through the help from the powers above, one of the most beautiful experiences of our relationship that we both have never forgotten”
This reminds me of the scripture in Proverbs 15:1 that says “A asoft banswer turneth away cwrath: but grievous words stir up anger.”
We should try to discipline the way that Doctrine and Covenants 121 teaches us: “by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned
Said President Hinckley: Fathers, control your tempers, now and in all the years to come. Mothers, control your voices; keep them down. Rear your children in love, in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Take care of your little ones. Welcome them into your homes, and nurture and love them with all of your hearts
Secondly, is the importance of setting a GOOD EXAMPLE
A quote from conference report 1990: It is no answer for parents to say to their children, ‘We are experienced and wise in the ways of the world, and we can get closer to the edge of the cliff than you.’ Parental hypocrisy can make children cynical and unbelieving of what they are taught in the home. For instance, when parents attend movies they forbid their children to see, parental credibility is diminished. If children are expected to be honest, parents must be honest. If children are expected to be virtuous, parents must be virtuous. If you expect your children to be honorable, you must be honorable”
This reminds me of that saying some of you might have heard which is “Worry not that your child listens to you; worry most that they watch you.”
Jeff and I were blessed to have a mother who exemplified compassion, tenderness, selflessness, patience, and kindness. And a father who exemplified hard work, generosity, and a fierce dedication to the family.
And now that I’m a parent, I often times wonder, did I set the right example in this or that situation? And by asking myself ONE question I can get my answer: Did I do or say what the Savior would have done or said in the same situation?
May we all be models of love, reverence, courage, modesty, gratitude, humility, service and faith to our children.
Third and last, is finding more JOY IN PARENTHOOD
I feel like parenting can be frustrating and hard at times. But I have started to understand that the joy from parenthood comes in moments. Amid all the challenges, there are these shining moments of joy, fulfillment and satisfaction. And I’m trying to do a better job recognizing and savoring these moments.
Author Anna Quindlen reminds us not to rush past the fleeting moments. She writes: “The biggest mistake I made as a parent is the one that most of us make. … I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of my three children sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less”
I absolutely needed this reminder, to slow down and really enjoy my children. For those who know me well, know that I’m kind of a tiger mom. I’m not proud of it, I try to resist this tendency, and I’m not even really sure where it comes from. Just to paint the picture of a typical weekday at the Douglas home: at 6:40 am the older 2 kids are UP, dressed in uniform, and doing math drills at separate computers (while eating breakfast). After school they have checklists to complete comprised of chess, piano, homework, spelling words, reading, basketball, baseball, and soccer practice. And that’s all before dinner, shower, scripture study, and book on tape.
Is it productive, yes. But at what cost? When we are running so fast, I know we are missing out on a lot of those sweet, quiet, tender, moments that don’t come back.
My goal is to create a home that my kids want to come back to. A place where they feel unconditionally loved, safe, happy, and free from the pressures of the world. This goal will partly be accomplished by doing fun things. Let us make time for father-son outings, daddy-daughter dates, one on one time with mom, family campouts, picnics, vacations, and outings. These memories will never be forgotten by our children.
So Jeff, we, along with the Lord, are all pulling for you as you begin to build your own home. In fact the Lord is pulling for all of us. More strong families is just what our world needs. Generations will be affected by the priorities we set, and the choices we are making today. Therefore, it is my prayer is that we may dedicated to fortifying our marriages, and raising up our children to the Lord.
Because as David O. McKay quite pointedly reminds us, “No other success can compensate for failure in the home." I’d like to add that no other success can compare with the joy found in a loving happy home.
May our homes be havens of peace, of love and of spirituality.
And I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
1 comment:
Thanks for sharing your talk Caroline, it was wonderful!
Post a Comment